I'm not sure I am as interested in being famous as in helping create a change that alters the consciousness of the world.  That said, if I were to be remembered for something I did I think it would have to be a book (novel preferably) that helps al;ter the way in which people view their relationships with one another and the world around them.

Fame ius a fickle thing, really.  Why is Andy Warhol extermely famous rather than any of the other artists of the same time?

I was a very inquisitive child.  I read everything I could get my hands on, as my parents didn't feel TV was necessary to our lives until I was twelve.  Moreover, I actively explored the world outdoors.  I was lucky enough to have been raised in the country with intelligent parents and a great school system.  My mother always read the classics of Western and Eastern literature to me, even when most people thought that I was too young to understand them; The Scarlet Letter at 2, for example.  When I got into the childhood 'why' phase my father bought my the entire Encyclopedia Brittannica as well as a huge Webster's Dictionary and both parents directed me to it when I got too annoying, which was several times a day.

On the other hand, I not th most social child, prefering to live in my imagination to dealing with other kids.  Most of the people I talked with were years older than I so I couldn't really hang out with them.  I had a few very close friends but was not at all outgoing.  In fact, it wasn't until just a couple of years ago that I recognized that I was actually a very social person who enjoyed the company and companionship of others.

My life changed when I entered puberty and realized that I was attracted to men instead of the acceptable women.  As I was raised in a very religiously conservative family and area, this was an impossible situation.  I went from being an inquisitive child to a deeply angry youth.  This happened with me far earlier than was the norm for boys; I was only 10 1/2 yeares old with no one to talk to.  I believed that I was evil because I had made this horrible choice (yes, I believed it was a choice, and the literature I had available in my hometown in 1976 was no help).

This self-loathing and deep anger at the liars around me led me through a very turbulent teen years fraught with drug use, criminal activity, dangerous intimate activity, and the willful desire to destroy the lives of the people who had lied to me.

It was this time period that created my lifelong loathing of lying in any way: overtly, covertly, or by omission.  When I finally broke down completely and spent a significant amount of time in a penal institution (13 years) I had to make a decision.  It was through this experience that I came to grips with my childhood and returned to the inquisitive and compassionate wonder and awe that led me through those earlier years.

One can never leave their childhood behind, and if Christ is to be read completely, one does not want to.  When Christ said that the little child shall lead them, I feel that he was attempting to remind people that compassion comes from the innocent wonder and vision of childhood.  We must return to that vision while keeping ahold of the lessons that brought us to th age we find ourselves.  Through this expansion of awareness comes the ability to truly alter the universe.  Children do not know that they cannot do something

Namaste

Reality is one of the most interesting quests upon which I have ever embarked.  There are so many visions of what the 'world' is like, what 'humans' are like, what 'reality' is like.  However, they often conflict.  In the search for reality one must first explore the idea of an objetive truth or and objective point of reference.

As a student of Critical Theory, especially Structuralism, I find myself looking to the nature of communication and experience to explore reality.  Ferdinand de Saussaure (sic) was convinced that reality itself exists, as a definable construct, because we can communicate it in some fashion.  Without language and abstract thought, reality is quite literally a mass of random and inconceivable perceptions, no more and no less.

Rather than focus on this objective fraqme of reference, however, I have come to a place where I ask the question of agreement.  Reality is the point of intersection betwen one's own perceptions and the perceptions of th 'other' in the world.  This intersection is the place in which we can communicate, and it seems to reside more in the realm of behavior and ethics than in the physical.  Wars do not get started over th wrong colour for red.  They exist as a result of disagreements over human interaction and needs.

Therefore, for me, reality is an ethical conundrum.  I see 'love' as the ultimate reality.  It seems to be one tf the few areas agreed upon throughout the ages by the greatest and most gifted thinkers, philosophers, mystics and poets.  However, given that, how does one define this overused and underunderstood concept.  Is it an emotional response?  Is it a set of pheremones that force the body to perceive the 'other' in a certain way?

My answer to these questions is a resounding no!!  Love is an action or a call to action.  define love as "When I desire for you what you truly desire for yourself. When the 'other's' wellbeing and happiness is equal to my own wellbeing and happiness."  This is a tall definintion with numerous social and interpersonal requirements.  One must define 'need', 'desire', 'true desire', 'happiness', 'other.'

Reality,in my opinion, is an objective concept, but it is this by virtue of looking through the lens of the largest possible frame of reference.

Where do I get my ideas?  That is the question of the century for anyone who feels the primal creative urge.  I don't really know.  I know that they come in flashes of insight when I look at the most innocuous thing.  I cannot say when these moments will occur, although I have discovered that as I became more aware of the world and a larger, more objective reality, that these moments became more numerous and more intense.

In the last few months I find myself constantly inundated with new ideas and sparks, each one as interesting and important as the last.  Since I express myself artistically, through drawing, writing, composition (classical and other), sculpting, and interaction, I have been a littl overwhelmed by the influx.

I am currenty looking to create a synthesis of the underlying themes found deep within my ideas,all cntered around the Promethean and Epimethean mythology structure.  Through modern epic poety, concerti, string ensemble, dance, stage, photography, and drawing, I plan to capture the freeing moment of the human mind as it is seen within the structure of these mythologies.

Physically, I grew up in a small town in Central Oregon surrounded by desert, mountains, lakes, forest, rivers, and a close-knit community.  I am the oldest son of a conservative Christian family, and the black sheep of same.  I did not have access to a television until I was twelve and was, therefore, taught to enjoy the outdoors, music, reading, writing, and thought.

My father is a dedicated blue-collar worker who worked his way up from the bottom of his industry to retire as an upper level manager for the entire company.  He was stern, taciturn, and angry, although never physically violent or cold.  He and I were not suited well for one another and by the time I was nine we were continuously arguing with one another.  We have not talked in 22 years (by agreement on both sides).

My mother was a stay-at-home mom.  She declined a full-ride scholarship to Stanford and married my father instead.  This has always chafed at her.  She is a brilliant artist, working in oils, conti, pastels watercolor, pen and ink, and acrylics.  As I grew older she became more involved in her own advancement and got small jobs aworking as a graphics designer.  Over the years she has completed her MFA, from home, and gotted works into several prestigious juried competitions. I heard recently the she has several works hanging in permanent collections around US universities.  Oddly, she was the more cold and distant of my parents.

I have two younger sisters and a younger brother.  We were never close as I was of the opinion as a child that I was supposed to be a only child.  This led to many very tense years in the family as I was constantly trying to get my parents to divorce.  Needless to say, they did not, but the stress and strain of our relationship created a very strange family life.

When I was ten I realized that I was gay.  Thus created a deeper rift betwenn m and my family.  I was raised in a world where this was a choice onloy made by evil and self-destructive people, or by boiys who had been assaulted as young children.  As I had not been assaultd, I came to believe that I was evil incarnate, and acted accordingly.

However, I grew up after I left home and became an act part of oone of hte most maligned and misunderstood groups in the world, the Hardcore Punk Rockers.  This is whan truth, beauty, and love truly came alive for me.  I came to accept myself completely, all my foibles, quirks, and habits.

Growing up is the process of individualization.  It does not matter where you are from or how you were raised, only how you decide to live with the choices that you made throughout your life.

Destiny?  I am not sure about that.  I do believe that life tends to follow a very predicatble pattern for most people,but that is mostly because any social unit is influenced by the same tyoe of nuturing programmingas cildren.  For example, people in the United States tend to follow a farily orthodox Christian morality set, whether or not they were raised Christian in their homes.  This is because the very foundations of our social, legal, and ethical stucture is based in Christia doctrine.  I can prteyy much tell you how a person will react to most situations simply by knowing what country or social system they were raised in.  Is this destiny?

I believe that people create their own destiny by accepting the opportunities that are presented to them every day.  It is more often the problem that peole cannot see these opportunities because of the very deep level of social programming inculcated upno them as children.  So most people live out a destined life, rather than rising above this preprogramed reaction and choosing to alter their programming.

As a practitioner of Transactional Analysis and Ritual Magick, I have seen the power of throwing off all programming.  This is a very difficult thing to do, but it can be done.  Claude Steiner said that the ideal way to live is a life without any programming.  Through serious thought and honest inquiry this is poasible.

I began my process by spending three years examining the following questions along with the very numerous corrollaries to them: 1) What if everything that I thinkis right is wrong? and 2) What if everythingI think is wrong is right?  These two questions form the basis for revaluating every single action, thought, feeling, and belief that a person has.  It takes time and great bravry to honestly answer these two questions, but the process will always fundamentally alter the way in which a person views the social system in which they find thmselves.

Genuine conversation :)  I have genuine conversations with every person with whom I talk.  Genuine convesation is simply a matter of acting authentically in every moment of the interaction and exchange.  Since Authentic living is a very important foundation upon which the rest of 'living the change' sits, it would be impossible for a person who is actively experiencing this form of living not to have genuine conversation.

Most recently it was with a client this morning.  We spend a couple of hours interacting as he worked through several fears he has about living in a clean and sober universe.  He has been clean for quite some time but hasn't yet copme to a place where he sees the advantage of soberity.  Since, for those of you scratching your head about why he is not using drugs but is still drinking, let he assure you that he is not.  He is clean (ie. he no longer puts any intoxicating substances into his system) but he is not yet sober (ie. able to live comfortaby and happily in this frame of reference).

Was he completely genuine and authentic?  I wouldn't know.  I do not judge the veracity of another person's authenticity.  I, however, was completely authentic, thus the conversation was genuine.

Humanity :)  I do not have a particular person or entity that I would prefer to connect with over other persons or entities.  It is in the nature of Divine interaction to connect with Allness.  Since every person, entity, thing, etc. is the Allness, once one connects with that, especially consciously, then the connection between yourself and all 'others' is always there, always in the center of your soul.

I was lucky enough as a child to be raised by parents who truly valued eduaction, formal and informal.  They taught me, from my earliest memories, how to enjoy the process of learning no matter where I was or how terrible it seemed at the moment.

With this encouragement from home, I was able to enjoy nearly every moment of my formal education as well as the many hours spent in the County, School, and College libraries in our town.  I was also into Bookstores, of course.

I was also lucky to have instruc tors across every step of my childhood education who were excited by their subject as well as multisubject integration.  They allowed me the opportunity to challenge much accepted information and theory.  They taught me how to do scholarly research, scholarly writing, scholarly questioning.  I was allowed to question nearly everything, as long as I was willing to defend my ideas on the subjects.

It was college that really threw me.  I found very little, in my first two attempts at a college education, to excite me.  I found very little taht I hadn't already explored in primary and secondary school, few professors who were willing to be challenged, few people interested in actual education, few things to be excited with.  I left that stifling environment for a more interesting one, the streets of SF.  Many years later, I returned to college and found it more reasonable.

I loved every second of school as a child; as every second of my life was devoted to discovery and creativity.

What does it mean to be authentic?  This question has several corrollaries that I always hope people will ask of themselves.  On the rare occasions that a person, in fact, ask the related questions and musings I have discovered another Authentic Human Being rather than Human Animal.

It is hard to overstate the effect travel has had on my life and on my outlook and vision of reality.  As a young man, I was filled with wanderlust.  I attended college for a little while, then dropped out and decided to approach life from a different perspective.  Since I was not welcome in my family home, nor really in my home town, I moved away.  Why I wasn't accepted in the childhood world of fantasy is another long and unrelated story, suffice it to say my teenage rebellion was extreme and damaging to many people in my life.

I found that I had an affinity with the Bay Area and the streets of the large West coast urban jungles.  With my huge mohawk and teenage indestructibility, I bravely moved into the early 1980's Hardcore Punk Rock world of the West Coast.  This was my first real experience with true traveling.  It was not traveling in the sense of going to a new physical destination, rather it was traveling out of my comfort zone so completely that I lost my way back to that tiny area of my childhood and antiquated moral climate.

Traveling into the Hardcore Universe changed the very nature of my vision of the world around me, both social and physical.  I was no longer blindered by the social walls we have all created through simply living an unawarer life.  Punk Rock forced me to come to terms with most of my darkest and most damaging impulses, redesign my entire ethical and moral system, and question nearly everything I had ever been taught.

After a time I started a small business that was quite lucrative.  I would work for six to eight months of the year and then stick a tack in the globe and head out.  I traveled without a lot of money, with a single carryon backpack, and my passport.  My mohawk was enough to insure that I was always taken care of and fed.  The Hardcore World is a close knit international tribe that can spot a fellow travelor anywhere.  It is not the look or the clothes, rather the attitude and bearing.  DIY (Do It Yourself) is the central tenet of Hardcore, and we live in that moment all the time.

Africa, Europe, Turkey, Arabia, Iraq, Syria, Israel, USSR, Russia, India: and the list goes on.  These are the places I have journeyed on my long road to self awareness.  Each place changed my, always for the better.  Opening the mind to a smallness of the world and the similarity between people, this is what travel has done for me.  Cultural and Sociial differences pale in comparison to our simple humanity.

When I finally settled down a little, enforced due to a period of incarceration, I was finally able to realize that even though I had learned a lot on my ramblings and rovings I had still been running away from the most priaml and fundamental journey in human life, a journey that few embark upon and fewer actually significantly undertake: the journey within to that place that makes a person human.  For the twelve years that I spent sitting alone in a small prison cell, I actively undertook that journey asking every question that I was able to construct, examining every aspect of my life, as well as human life, through as objective a lens as I could discover, losing the ability to see the 'I' as separate from the 'we', coming to grips with all that is and all that is not (the latter half being as important as the first half).

This is the journey of ages and it affects me every moment of every day, as I travel through the essential truth of experience to uncover the deeper truths of primal being.  It is the lens through which I live my entire life.  I could not, however, have begun the journey within without having experience the travels of the journey without.